Losing a friend: A letter to myself.

Dear Self,

I know you feel like crying right now. I know you think this is a horrible experience and that you will never be able to move on. You will. Right now it hurts to find out your friendship is over, that it has ended, and with it the memories you were making.

I know you see other people still interacting, and growing closer, and you feel left out and unwanted. Those people are still your friends though, they are not taking sides. They stand on the outside and look on in confusion as to why you aren’t Losing a friendhanging out with them, because they know you want to. But you can’t, because you aren’t invited. You lost one friend, and now you have to work around them in order to see the others. I know that makes you sad and angry, but it will be alright.

I know that you still talk to your old friend sometimes, and that they act like nothing has changed. It has. You no longer text or call them in the middle of the day just because you’re bored or lonely. That’s what they wanted, and you’ve tried to make them happy. When they invite people to hang out, you are never told, but you find out anyway. So yes, things have changed, and I know you wish they hadn’t.

I know that you noticed your old friend pulling away, and on several occasions you told people that you felt like they didn’t want to be around you, and that they ignored you. I know you’re friends said you were wrong, and I know that the day your fears were confirmed was painful for you. I know you tried to remain strong, when you heard that your old friend found you annoying and that’s why you were being avoided. You told those who were concerned about you that it was fine. For a few minutes you even had yourself convinced that it was true. You told yourself and others that in the months since you’d really talked to your old friend, you’d gotten used to it and that you were over it already. You were lying. As soon as the others were gone, you had to bite back the tears and fight the ragged breaths.

I know that was only the beginning, and that soon you learned more and more of the ways your old friend had shut you out, and that it had affected the others too. They’d been wondering why you were never hanging out, then they found out it was because you weren’t invited. They were angry and I know you feel bad about how that makes you feel better.

I know you’re still adjusting to the loss of a friend, that I am still adjusting. I know it will take a long time to adjust, and that our old friend will not make it easy. I know the hardest part has been realizing your friendship really is over. Even harder than that, is knowing the reason its over, is because you were never really friends at all. You will now have to learn what real friendships are made of, and I know that in losing our old friend, you’ve made the first step, because some real friends have come to your side. They have defended you and cared for your feelings, and most of all they have proven that nothing as simple as annoyance or the need for space will be able to end your friendship.

Sincerely, you.

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